Expect the Best

I have a tendency to expect the worst. I'm sure I'm not sure alone in this, right? I guess I'm afraid of being disappointed or disappointing others or living in some type of happy, sunny delusion when the reality is sad and stormy and bleak. 

I definitely expected the worst going into my last improv class of this term (which was last week). As I mentioned in my previous post, I had been feeling like an improv fraud and a sensitive, whiny fraud to boot. I was not looking forward to this last class and my instructor's promise of individual feedback.

Normally, I love individual feedback – possibly because I love talking about myself. But this time I was tired from the Cleveland half, a long day at work, and my lingering bad attitude from the previous week. (It's exhausting maintaining a bad mood. I would avoid it if I were you). 

I expected the worst feedback. I thought my instructor was going to tell me that I fight too much in scenes, that I'm too shy, or that I do the same character all the time. I prepared for my improv soul to be crushed under the chants of "you're not good enough."

Instead, his feedback empowered me and maybe it has even renewed my commitment for improv. I don't want to get into the specifics, but it gave me confidence and that's what I needed. He gave me great advice that, like most things in improv, applies to other parts of life. 

After class, I thought about how I worried and stressed I was about receiving negative feedback and how I was completely wrong. I wasted precious time being nervous and preparing to feel dejected for no reason. And I realize now I have been expecting the worst when I enter a scene. I haven't been leading (because I will probably make a fool of myself) and I don't take chances (because my ideas are stupid). What would happen if I expect the best when I enter a scene? If nothing else, I will probably have more fun and be more relaxed. 

Our showcase is on Sunday and I am going to apply this lesson when on stage (and, you know, every day since "expecting the best" doesn't apply only to improv, duh). I am going to expect the best, expect that everything will work out perfectly, and I will trust my ideas and my ability to lead. 

Wish me luck!

Race Recap: Rite Aid Cleveland Half (5/18/14)

I have so much to update since my last post. As it turns out my bad attitude was just a bad attitude and based very little on reality. That's good because that means I can control it. 

As I mentioned last week, I was worried I was unprepared for the Cleveland half marathon. Although I had run a half in March, I took a week or two off from training due to a twisted ankle. Then I was traveling a lot and got slammed at work. Excuses, excuses – I know – but sometimes life gets in the way of a beautiful training schedule and I swear this was one of those times. 

Since I couldn't change the past, I decided to prepare for the future. I created an AMAZING playlist (amazing by my standards only) and I printed out a pace bracelet. The playlist was a big deal for me because for the past two years I have had the same boring music on my iPod and it did not pump me up to run at all. I know that most people figured this out a long time ago, but for some reason I am only now discovering what an important motivator music can be. The playlist also gave me something to look forward to – I couldn't wait to run the race for the sole purpose of listening to the perfect blend of Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Eminem, and a few Bollywood songs (like I said, this playlist was amazing by my standards only). The pace bracelet also helped me to feel like I had some control over the outcome of this race that I had so poorly prepared for. It helped me to focus on each mile I was running instead of freaking out about how many I had left.

Aside from the coolest playlist ever and my pace bracelet, the race itself was nice and uneventful. The weather was a perfect 50 degrees and sunny. The crowd, particularly near the finish line, was huge and of course everyone was friendly. I didn't have to wait long for my post-race beer – always a plus.

Most importantly though – I PRed by about a minute! I was honestly very surprised and obviously very happy. It made realize that pacing is key for me and that I can push myself more than I have been.

Post-race smiley time*

That being said, I think I am now ready for a marathon.

*Note: My running clothes are getting way too colorful. I look like a pre-teen who loves horses, the Disney Channel, and glitter.

Bad Attitude

I have a bad attitude this week and I don't know when I'll shake it. I've been feeling like I am lousy at improv and after a bad run yesterday, I don't feel too excited about running either. I know this is in my head and you can't give up when you have a bad day, but like most things, it's easier said than done.

This week in improv class I felt that I did a good job. I honestly did. During one exercise where my classmates gave me a character with specific attributes (always looking over her shoulder, wringing her hands, hair in a ballerina bun, etc.), I really held onto these attributes and had a lot of fun with this character. I said her motto was "Dance through the Nerves" and I did pirouettes and pliés whenever I was in a stressful situation, like when I suspected someone was following me. It felt easy and natural. 
But after that I started doubting myself and I shut down. I don't really know why. My heart just wasn't in the rest of the scenes.  I would've been fine to leave class right then because I decided I wasn't good at improv. 

I recognize that this is a problem – I am my harshest critic and I want to quit when I'm not perfect. I need to understand that I'll make mistakes, move forward and focus on my growth.

The following day I planned to do a 10-mile run. It was my last chance for a long run before a race this weekend. And it was a bad run, leaving me discouraged. Granted, it was hot outside (upper 80s), but it was difficult and my feet hurt and in the end I only did 7 miles. During the run I kept thinking, "Why am I doing this? Running isn't fun." Again, bad attitude. 

I don't really have a positive end to this story or some great revelation. Maybe this week is important for me to learn not to give up even when you have a bad day. Push through the bad attitude. Or maybe there is something going in my zodiac chart! I'm going to check!

Habits on Vacation

Last week my boyfriend and I went to northern California for a wedding. I was swamped with work the whole week leading up to the trip and I knew I would be the week after, so I made a point to prioritize running and meditation. I have to be honest: usually I completely abandon all healthy living on vacations. I like to overeat, oversleep, and veg out as much as possible. 

But, surprise, surprise! Sticking with my habits actually enhanced my relaxation and made me feel less stressed going into the new work week. Also, running on vacation is awesome in general because you see parts of your destination you may not otherwise. On my 8 mile run the day of the wedding, I ran to a park where I had a nice bike trail system by the river and through some small meadows. Plus I ran past a herd of sheep, which thrilled me beyond belief (I'm a knitter, so sheep and alpacas are basically my dream pets).

A View from the Bridge (on my run)

After my run, I had plenty of time to get ready for the wedding. It was a very beautiful wedding and the fact that the couple is one I really admire made it all the more enjoyable. An added plus of running before a wedding: I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt about overindulging on champagne and cake.
I was able to make meditation a priority also, although I didn't do it every day (I cringed from shame as I wrote that). But! After going through security for our return flight, we found that SFO has a yoga/meditation room, so my boyfriend and I popped in to meditate for 10 minutes. Why doesn't every airport have this? I thought it would be difficult to meditate with the background noises of body scans, conveyor belts, and last calls for passengers, but all the activity was somehow soothing. Maybe I was just really exhausted from the weekend and needed a still moment. Regardless, it worked for me. 

In the future, I will definitely continue to prioritize my healthy habits even on vacation. Hopefully this will help avoiding the need to "reset" or decompress after a trip.

Making Time for Me

As you can see from my Why I Blog post, lately there are three things that keep me from losing my mind: improv class, running, and meditation. I need a daily dose of at least one of these or I would rip off my head and punt it into the aether.

Unfortunately for me and my nearest and dearest, I'm swamped much more than normal at work and have put these on the back burner – even my 10 minute meditation habit, which is stupid because I know I can spare 10 minutes and it would make me more productive. I skipped improv class last night, I didn't have time for a run in the afternoon, and I decided Benadryl would cancel out the need for meditation (it didn't, but I feel better allergy-wise, so I'll chalk it up to a tie).

Today though I am determined to turn this story around. I will meditate, even if it's for 5 minutes. I will go to yoga and tomorrow I will run the miles I wanted to run today. And I will cook instead of eating frozen dinners. I like working hard but it's necessary to make time for self-maintenance also.

My Improv Weekly Challenge: New Characters

I've decided that each week I will give myself a challenge for improv class – something that is hard for me and will help me become a better improviser.
This week I challenged myself to:

1. Initiate at least 3 scenes
2. Create one new character (with a different voice!)
3. Add a physical component to a scene.

Basically these challenges stemmed from feedback I got from my last improv teacher. He was totally right – I'm afraid to make bold moves, including initiating scenes and adding depth to characters.
So, how did I do?

1. Initiate at least 3 scenes

I get a pass on this one because we did not work on scenes this week. This class was about high and low status of characters (Are you the powerful boss or lowly, company pawn?), so we did exercises focused on establishing who was high/low status and how did their behavior show their status.
A big pat on my shoulder though for volunteering to do some of the exercises rather than quietly stare at my shoes until I am called. Man, I can be pathetic, but I think I was less pathetic during this class!

2. Create one new character (with a different voice!)

During this class I realized I tend to do characters who are "low status" – maybe they are just people pleasers, but they don't seem to be calling the shots usually. We did two person scenes at the end of class and the suggested location was "prison yard." I really regret not watching "Orange is the New Black" because I have zero concept about what happens in a prison yard or really, what a prison yard is. I decided to bring the "higher status" inmate, who demanded favors or gifts in exchange for protection. I made my voice lower than usual and in general tried to present myself with more confidence. I'm not sure if any of this worked or if lowering my voice counts as a different voice. Honestly, I didn't like this scene very much and wish I had chosen to do something more positive – like an inmate who is so excited about spending time with their best friend inmate in the prison yard. 

3. Add a physical component to a scene

I did this a few times, so I'm proud of that. In one scene I was in a community garden with my mother and boyfriend and the teacher instructed each of us to act like we are the lowest status of the group. Basically, we acted like a group of uncertain and insecure losers, which was very fun. As for the physical components, we all kept working in the garden as we spoke, which the instructor and classmates said made the scene seem natural. I broke out of my shell a bit about trying to rub ointment on my "boyfriend's" hands because he was getting a rash. (In the real world outside of improv, I am not a touchy-feely person, so it's even harder for me to get "physical" with my classmates since I probably wouldn't touch people in real life either. Geez, improv sure makes you realize all the strange hang-ups you have…) During this scene, I also ran off to cry about how "everything dies!" and rolled myself up in a ball. That got a good laugh and was a bit out of my comfort zone.

What I learned

Recognize your role, inside and outside of improv. Even low-status individuals can have a big impact on a conversation.
If you never fail, you won't learn or grow. This is applicable to so many aspects of life. You can play it safe and do what you're always done, which you know will bring you success. Stay in a job you are good at, but bored with. Run 3 miles, 3 times a week, at the same pace and never push yourself beyond that. But what if we took more risks? Applied for that promotion or asked for more challenging work? Signed up for a 5k or 10k or half marathon? Even if you fail, you still earn valuable knowledge by taking the chance.

 

Why do I want to blog, anyways?

For me

Mostly, I want to blog for myself (I know, totally selfish). Within the past year, I have finally gotten a handle on insecurities and anxious feelings and have accomplished many goals that before seemed unattainable. I got the promotion I wanted, beat my goal in my 4^th half-marathon, and I reconnected with my love of performing and theater. 

So I want and need to record and process what I've learned about saying "no" to insecurity, "yes" to taking chances, and "possibly" to achieving crazy dreams. I want to continue setting new goals for myself and pushing myself to question limits I have set for myself. 

For her

When I was kid, I had no fear. When I went skiing with my family, I wanted to take on the black diamond slopes and the totally fun moguls, even though they were probably taller than me. I was never afraid to talk to strangers and brag about my accomplishments, such as owning a pound puppy (those toys were the coolest). I truly believed I was capable of anything and everything and did not care what the haterz had to say. (I'm pretty sure we didn't use the term "haterz" in the 90s, but I can't remember if there is an equivalent. I'll watch some Dawson's Creek and get back to you on this one).
I remember in the third or fourth grade we had to write an "essay" on who we wanted to be when we grew up. I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic schools, and at this age, I thought Catholicism was the coolest, right up there with Pound Puppies. I wrote that I wanted to be a priest when I grew up. My teacher informed that women could not be priests, which even then I knew was total BS and knocked down my love of Catholicism to the level of jelly shoes that give you blisters. So instead I wrote that I wanted to be President of the United States. This answer was deemed acceptable, but then my parents needed to point down that we'd never had a woman President.

I'm not sure when if that's when I started settling for less and dismissed my dreams, but it's a memory that has stayed with me. I want the kid version of myself to feel proud of herself as an adult. So it's time to dream big!

For you

Runners, improv performers/lovers, anyone with a dream they are or have been afraid to achieve.
If you have similar goals and/or similar challenges, we can connect, geek out together, and offer advice. What's the point of writing if it doesn't bring people together? (even if it's in debate). Improv lovers, theater nerds, runners, and anyone seeking peace – let's be friends!